chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Randomize
