My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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