Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
just tell him i said nine months
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
