Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
she woke up with a sticky ear
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
