I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
