Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
