In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
