Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
