On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
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