You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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