Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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