The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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