I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
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Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
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Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST