I'm fucking your sister right now.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS