I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Boobs speak an international language.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
