yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Even my vagina gasped.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
