Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
