i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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