I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
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