Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
