this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
