dude i'm inner monologue high
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
