we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
