i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
