He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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