I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
you traded sex for a burrito?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
