I just threw up on my dentist
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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