The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
