Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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