Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
