Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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