im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
