my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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