Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
