Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
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