I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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