May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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