It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
