Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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