my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
