Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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