she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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