Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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