i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
