We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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