hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
