The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
