Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
