My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
