I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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