can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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