I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
