The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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