mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
