im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
